A Secret Message Decoded

Whatever you're doing inside of me,

 it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace.

You're up to something bigger than me,

Larger than life, something heavenly. (Chorus)

This is a Sanctus Real song, and for me, its the one that really put them on the map in my life. At the time I first heard this song things were going well, but I made a mental note of it. I knew it would be one of those songs I would cling to in the middle of the night someday. And it has been. It's the anthem of reassurance. Pain is a necessary part of life, especially life as a Christian. Pain can signify when somethings not right, and it can allow growth. Nobody likes it, but there can be a peace that passes understanding when we understand that whatever 'it' is, it's bigger than us.

Whatever you're doing inside of me,

it feels like chaos but I believe,

You're up to something bigger than me,

Larger than life, something heavenly (Chorus 2)

They played this song at the inaugural concert at the Stroh Center at BGSU. I've heard it dozens of times, even recently, but I found a new message tucked inside of it, like a secret note just for me. In the same way that 'Beautiful Things' by the band Gungor symbolizes more to me than being remade--its about making new life, making beautiful things out of dust, out of us. Tonight the words 'inside of me' grabbed my attention and gripped my heart. Perhaps it's my training as an English major that makes me find meaning where there isn't intentionally one, but I couldn't help but feel that I was supposed to pick up on that tonight. The song is supposed to be about emotional turmoil during difficult times and I get that, big time. But for me the meaning is more literal. I have no idea what God is doing inside of me in terms of allowing me to become a mother. And it feels like chaos sometimes. All the tests and data collecting and stress and baby drama definitely can create internal emotional chaos. And sometimes it feels like physical chaos when my body reacts to the medications. But when I remember that God does have a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and that plan is bigger than only me there is a peace that can override the chaos. I believe that God has a plan and all of this is intentional and purposeful, and I believe that with all my heart.

Whatever you're doing inside of me,

it feels like chaos but now I can see,

This is something bigger than me,

Larger than life, something heavenly (Chorus 3)

I consider this last variation of the chorus to be a promise. I've been able to get to the top of a mountain after trudging through a valley and see how the struggle was part of a larger plan. And those past experiences reassure me that nothing is without purpose, and someday I will see. Even if that day comes on the other side of Eternity, someday I will see how this struggle and journey has been bigger than me. And at any rate, what God is doing inside of me is larger than life. It's about so much more than creating life. It's strengthening me, drawing me to Him, requiring me to share my heart, and expanding my faith. That is most certainly something heavenly.

But I'm still a dreamer, a believerOh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

 This is the chorus to a different Sanctus Real song but it seems like the best way to end this post. Sometimes I do lose my faith in the process. I stop believing that all this struggling and hoping and praying and dreaming will work. But even when I've lost faith in everything, even myself, I still have my faith in God. And God is still faithful to me. He can make anything new, even a body that doesn't work properly. My favorite word in the entire English language is 'believe'. That word is in every room of our house, one way or another. I'm not always good at showing my belief, but I believe deeply and I dream even deeper. And it's okay for me to dream and believe even while facing difficult realities, because God is a redeemer. No matter what I may lose or never gain, I have Him. What else is there really?

Barren to Beautiful

He makes beautiful things.

He makes beautiful things out of the dust.

He makes beautiful things.

He makes beautiful things out of us.

Out of the dust wildflowers can thrive. Out of the dust gems can be found. Out of the dust we were created. God isn't limited by His materials. What we see as something to sweep away can actually hold the potential for life in the masterful hands of the Creator.

All this earth...

Could a garden come up

from this ground

at all?

Earth needs to be fertile to sustain life. A womb must be fertile, too. Without fertility the farmer's fields remain only dust. Without fertility a woman's womb remains only dust. But diligent care and planning by the farmer and the woman can help foster fertility. But I believe that all this is done in good faith, inviting the Creator to extend His healing touch to bring what was dead to life. 

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

Every now and then I hear this song on the radio while I'm driving. And as I said yesterday there is life coming up out of the ground everywhere I look. The fields are now a patchwork quilt of greens and yellows, stitched together by ditches now colorful with wildflowers. What was once useless swamp land is now verdant farm land. The hard work across the generations, expertise of seasoned farmers, and the blessings of a gracious God have worked together to bring bounty to this corner of the world. And I have a dream that one day life will grow inside of me. The hard work of taking tests and tracking data, the expertise of seasoned doctors, and truly the blessings of a gracious God will someday bring life to my little corner of the world.

You make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of the dust
(You are making me new, making me new)
You make beautiful things
(You make me new)
You make beautiful things out of us
(You are making me new, making me new)

Every year this land is made new. Fresh seeds planted, fresh crops grow, fresh harvests are gathered. The seasons change, allowing the land to rest and nutrients to replenish. I am being made new all the time. Each day is an opportunity to be made new, be made better, be made more fertile. Not only for bringing forth new life, but fertile in my heart. This journey of infertility has ended up being about far more than bearing a child. This has exposed areas of infertility in my heart and my mind and my soul. Where doubt, fear, and bitterness reside there it is barren. Where my heart is hardened and my mind is made up there it is barren. Grace, joy, love, peace cannot grow in those areas, no more than life can grow in a barren womb.

He makes beautiful things.

He makes beautiful things out of the dust.

He makes beautiful things.

He makes beautiful things out of us.

~~ Beautiful Things, Gungor

No matter what happens I know God is making beautiful things out of the dust in my life. It is the deepest prayer of my heart that I will someday be able to hold something in my arms, something beautiful made out of us. Regardless if the day ever comes when I get to bring forth life the truth remains that God makes beautiful things out of the dust, and God is making beautiful things out of us.

If you've never heard this song you can listen to it here. It is well worth five minutes of your time to let the truth of this song wash over you and make you new. Praying for blessings and bumper crops in your life.

Confessions of a Perfectionist

I remember being 14 or 15 and making plans for my life. I was working at the history museum with my mom, it was summer. I was in the old meetinghouse, kept cool and dim by the long shades over the windows, all alone with my thoughts and my dreams. Pensive by nature I delved deep into my own heart, trying to make sense of what I felt and what I wanted. And I made a bunch of plans for my life, for the man I would marry, for the family I would have. It seemed like a necessary thing to do. These were plans I resolved deep within myself, plans that would prevent pain and harvest happiness. And, truthfully, there is part of me still clinging desperately to those plans.

With some distance between myself and the old me I can see what I was really trying to do. I was grasping for control, I was groping for some order. And the only thing I felt that I could control was my own future, my own family of someday. This was a reaction to my parents' divorce, that I am sure. It's strange, there is a distance of years and forgiveness between the divorce and now. I've let go of so much, I've stopped letting this singular event be the lens though which I experience every other event of my life. And it seems that as the big wounds heal, I find smaller scars I never noticed before. Thankfully, when I find these scrapes and scars it doesn't devastate at me, as in years before. I puzzle over it, I ponder it, I hold it at a distance and figure it out. It doesn't define me, I won't let it. Instead, I define it. And this is what I've been thinking about.

This desire for control, for plans, for creating expectations that aren't fair or altogether reasonable to expect. It's that grasping for sense, for something to hold onto, for something over which I alone can be sovereign. But it's a fallacy. There is nothing over which I alone can be sovereign. There will always be other people contributing to my world and to my experience. For that matter there will always be weather, traffic, and bad Internet connections interfering with my plans. I truly cannot control my world.

And I cannot manufacture the family I always wanted, the one I planned. At twenty years old I sacrificed my dreams for the husband I had imagined. Broken-hearted and devastated for the second time I decided that whatever I had planned for at 14 was an impossibility. I gave it up. And within six months I met my husband. Not the man I had planned, but the man I needed. Not a Cary Grant, but a Jimmy Stewart. Practical, down-to-earth, compassionate and sweet. Never mind that books bore him to death and his favorite part of musicals is always the part where someone fights. He's the man I couldn't have planned for, the one I couldn't have imagined. But I had to release my expectations to find him, and release them again to let him have a fighting chance.

I tend to choke the life, the chance, the joy out of everything in my life with my lists and plans and expectations. Planning my wedding was more of a nightmare than a dream. I ended up in tears when I watched most of our guests leave before our first dance. This wasn't what I planned! People weren't following my script and I didn't know how to cope. Our honeymoon suffered the fate of my over-planning. I had over thought things and it didn't work out how I had imagined. My thinking about things too much had led to making a stupid choice to save some money, and when it didn't work out, I was again in tears.

Every time my husband and I plan to go somewhere I get sick to my stomach. My mom says I get too excited and my system can't handle it. And it especially can't handle the devastation I feel when things don't go well. Our trip to Cleveland to see Les Mis prompted this discussion and this post. We think I got food poisoning from the restaurant in the hotel...but then again...maybe I was just sick with expectations that couldn't be met.

Now, and this is important,  I can't and I won't renounce the whole thing. There is something to be said for making plans and being prepared. Dreams are a good thing, perhaps even a gift from God. They inspire us, keep us going, and give us a method by which to achieve.But the fanatic and frenetic energy with which I do the whole thing is what causes the damage. I create expectations that cannot be met, and I am only left with varying degrees of disappointment. I rejoice in what worked out, but I always notice what wasn't quite right. This makes everything bittersweet, every glass can only ever be half full. Or perhaps full but smudged with fingerprints. Never perfect.

I think spiritually we all long for perfection because we had it once. There are echoes of Eden crying out that this imperfection isn't what we were created for. We were designed for perfection but must live in brokenness. No one feels that crippling reality more than the perfectionist. But we have been given an out, a way to freedom...accepting that perfection simply will not happen this side of heaven, but life can still be beautiful.

Some of the best memories I have are from the messiness of life when things didn't go as planned. When we had to improvise to make the best of things. When life takes you off script you can melt down or you can improvise. I am learning to improvise.

I still dream of my someday family. I still have plans and ideas for those little ones I've yet to conceive but pray for everyday. But the deepest prayer of my heart is that I will learn how to stop this great expecting. What I want most of all for that someday family is that they will not have a mama mired down in plans and expectations. I don't want this scar of mine to become hereditary or contagious. I don't want my husband to tiptoe around his frenetic wife and feel that his plans will never be as grandiose as mine, and therefore, not good enough for me. I want to be free to plan but not control, to dream but not build my world in those dreams.

That girl in the meetinghouse at the museum12 or 13 years ago...she meant well. She was hurting, probably scared, probably angry...not just at the divorce...but at being a teenager, at being young. Those years were full of disappointment and frustration (as well as beauty, laughter, friendship, and fun, I must add). Teen years always, always, always are, if we're all honest. And I look at her with compassion, but I can't honor her plans anymore. She simply didn't know what she was talking about, she didn't really know what she wanted. She didn't want control, she wanted security, she didn't want compulsive plans, she wanted safety.

And here she is today. A woman safe and secure in spite of the plans which didn't come to fruition or the ones which changed shape several times. A woman ready to let go of one more hurt in order to be stronger. A woman, wobbly like a toddler, learning how to step into uncertainty and embrace the unexpected, trusting the strong hands of the Father who alone controls.

This post doesn't signify the end of the lesson, it is not the reflections of triumph, but the promise of a future change. More like a caterpillar entering the cocoon then the butterfly leaving it, more like that wobbly toddler just starting to step than the adult resting from the run. My inspiration, I feel compelled to explain, is my five month old niece, not even able to crawl just yet...but trying, flexing those muscles, noticing new strength every day. If she can learn, so can I. She's got her whole life ahead of her, and so do I. A life of beautiful dreams and just-right expectations. I want her to learn from me. There are two ways we learn things from older generations. Looking at them and saying, never will I be like that. Or looking at them and saying, I hope to be like that.

Here's to becoming the latter.

My Sneaky, Clever gods

At any point in my life if you'd asked me if I had any gods other than the one true God I would've scoffed and insisted it wasn't true. Couldn't possibly be true. The idea of me worshipping any other god than God the Father, The Alpha and Omega, the Ancient of Days, the Morning Star, Adonai.... I was raised a good Christian girl and I know that it would be unthinkable to worship anyone other than Him.

But lately my eyes have been opened. The eyes of my heart, that is. I'm seeing for the first time what idolatry in the 21st century really is. Not the worshipping of gods made of wood and stone, gods that cannot even stand up by themselves, as God so often points out through His Old Testament prophets. This is a far sneakier god, a cleverer god than one made of wood or stone. Our modern idols.

If you asked me in Sunday School, even just a few weeks ago, what kinds of idols people put before God now, I could've given you an answer. My self-righteous finger could've pointed to fame and fortune, celebrities and money. Jobs. Careers. Kids. Spouses. All those things. Of course, we all know that when you point at someone else there are three fingers pointing right back at you. Three fingers pointing to the three idols in my own heart. Three idols that have snuck in cleverly disguised, like wolves in sheeps' clothing. Three idols escaping my notice, or being well-defended by my ready excuses. Three idols that were stripped bare last night by the one true God.

1. The idol of emotions.

2. The idol of comfort.

3. The idol of my dreams.

None of these things in and of themselves are sinful, it is only when they bully and push Jesus out of the reigning place of my heart. How cleverly they push and shove, inch and move until they've taken His place and gobbled up all the joy and peace He's given. My heart is left with nothing but the chicken bones after my idols have devoured all the goodness Jesus had brought into my life.

I'm learning that anything which comes before Jesus, anything which controls me instead of the Spirit, anything that I value before God is, in fact, an idol. I'm worshipping my comfort when I tell God that I won't do what He's asked, or when I won't sacrifice a bit of sleep to meet with Him. I'm worshipping my dreams when I insist that my plans are my only option and I refuse to give them to Him. I'm worshipping my emotions when I allow them to rule unchecked, reeking havoc with my relationships and my personal peace.

Like the sun slowly dawning I finally could see my idols in plain view. God lifted the veil of my own denial to reveal that which my heart truly values. In a moment of humility and honesty I admitted that I do have other gods before Him. Not gods made of wood or stone, but gods constructed of my own self-serving desires. I love my hopes and dreams more than His plans for my life. I want to let my feelings run my life, rather than learning to take each feeling captive so I can be a woman of self-restraint, slow to anger, and quick to forgive. I long for comfort, security, and safety more than following Jesus so closely that I'll be covered in the dust of the Rabbi. It turns out that I'm an idolater, after all. Commandments number one and two may be my greatest struggle, and I never even realized it.

The beautiful promise, however, is that by surrendering my idols to the one true God, He can change them from something sinful to something purposeful. Because having emotions, having dreams, and desiring comfort are all natural things. Each one is part of the human experience and part of the way God designed us. But it is only when I've refused to allow them to have greater importance in my life than Jesus that I can experience them as they were intended.

With God at the helm my emotions will no longer control me. He will teach me how to feel deeply and fully, but not be consumed by unhealthy feelings. How I feel won't dictate how much faith I have or how much I can love someone. My feelings can be taken captive, questioned and tried, and then dealt with accordingly. But only if God is in control. With God on the throne my definition of comfort will change. The coziness of a warm bed won't compare to the coziness of His arms as I learn to give up my creature comforts for time with Him. With God in charge my dreams will change. Some will be given up in place of new ones, better ones. Some will alter in how or why I want to see them fulfilled. Some will expand to include God-given plans. Some will no doubt come to fruition with God doing the growing. The reality is my dreams' only hope of survival is to let God take over.

The only way to annihilate an idol is to tear it down, break it up, and grind it into dust as Moses did at the base of Mount Sinai. Obliterate it so it cannot control me. Wage war on these sneaky, clever idols through prayer and reading God's word.

Humble prayer, the pouring out of my brokenness will give God the opportunity to exercise His power in my life. I have to remain in this place of honesty, and I must not rely on myself to do this change in me. I have to stay grounded in the Word, digging deep and soaking up its' truth in order to recognize and take down false idols in my life.  It is hard work, this heart-cleaning and idol destruction. I believe God is the only one who can really do the demolition, but I have to do the work of stay committed to the project.

But I now know there is idol worship in the 21st century. Idol worship in my own heart here in this modern era. I thought I was on track, I truly believed I had no other gods before the Lord my God. But I was wrong. Essentially, I put self before Him. By allowing my feelings, my plans, and my comfort to have dominance in my heart, I allowed God to be crowded out. So now for the hard work of casting out my idols, of abolishing my desire for the creature comforts of this world in place of His security and peace.

To get started in the obliteration of my idolatry I've looked up some verses about idols, and some of my specific struggles. And my prayer is the God is able to make me aware of me ever-aware of my value system so that He is always in the utmost place in my life.

Verses To Break the Bondage of Idols

Do not turn away after useless idols. They can do you no good, nor can they rescue you, because they are useless.~ 1 Samuel 12:21I hate those who cling to worthless idols; as for me, I trust in the LORD~ Psalm 31:6

Dear children, keep yourselves from idols. ~ 1 John 5:21

I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols~ Ezekiel 36:25

Those who cling to worthless idols turn away from God’s love for them.~ Jonah 2:8

Verses Concerning the Making of Plans and the Plans of the Creator

But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations. ~ Psalm 33:11

Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans. ~ Proverbs 16:3

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails~ Proverbs 19:21

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.~ Jeremiah 29:11

Verses Concerning Self-Control and A Godly Spirit

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves.~ 1 Peter 3:3-5

Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city. ~ Proverbs 16:32

Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control~ Proverbs 25:28

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

Rather, he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined. ~ Titus 1:8

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.~ Galatians 5:22-23