Chasing Joy

Psalm 100

A psalm. For giving grateful praise.

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

Worship the Lord with gladness;

    come before him with joyful songs.

Know that the Lord is God.

    It is he who made us, and we are his;

    we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving

    and his courts with praise;

    give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;

    his faithfulness continues through all generations.

My son thinks our dog is hilarious. Dayton's first true giggle was at Bode jumping around the yard and barking. And this Indian summer when we would walk around and around the pond, just to escape the claustrophobia of our house, we would watch Bode chase butterflies. I'd never actually seen a dog chase butterflies before but leave it to our dog to do it. And then Dayton wasn't the only one giggling. It was hilarious. Our enthusiastic border collie would bound and leap after the butterflies leading him on an erratic chase around the pond. But eventually Bode would lose sight of the butterfly...or interest. Something else interesting would catch his attention or it just wasn't that much fun anymore to chase something so elusive as a butterfly.

I chase joy in the same way. Around and around in circles, bounding and leaping with no methodology to straighten my course, no plan to ensure success. And always, inevitably, I lose interest. Something more interesting and easier to catch steals my attention. Or I just give up all together. It's too hard, this joy thing. It's a nice idea but it's just not me. I wasn't made that way. Some people just can't be joyous...or joyful...whichever.

But that just isn't so. It can't be so. 

First, because the Bible says otherwise. And second, because if that's true then I'm doomed. I'm stuck in my Eeyore to Tigger to Eeyore cycle of my own nature. 

A drama queen since birth, I see the world through a dramatic lens. Gloom! Doom! Stress! Worry! Anxiety!!

EVERYBODY PANIC!!!

But I'm the only one squawking. My mother once said my brother is a duck, the rain waters just roll off his feathers, it doesn't rattle him. I, however, am a trumpeter swan...graceful and peaceful when the weather's just right, but when the rain starts to fall it's time to panic. A swan having a cow. A lovely sight.

And while Christmas is supposed to be all peace on Earth, good will to men, and joy to the world...I'm over here wringing my hands and biting my fingernails. I'm a Scrooge in Nephew Fred's clothing. I seem to embrace Christmas but underneath I'm really fretting and fussing and bah-humbugging about plans and people and people who get in the way of my plans. My plans, my plans, my precious plans. Like Scrooge and his gold, no one better interfere with my plans. Or else the squawking begins. This is not joy. This is not Christmas.

I could list you a thousand reasons excuses for this irritating behavior. I could get all Dr.Phil on you and explain from a psychological point of view why Christmas is now wrapped up with anxiety, why my tinsel is perpetually in a tangle. But there's no real point in it. Talking about what's wrong, doesn't do one blessed thing to move toward what is right. Or perhaps more importantly...righteous. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, 

by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, 

present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:6

So recently convicted of this ridiculous, self-centered behavior I've started chasing joy again.. But not in an erratic chase of circles where I'll eventually just get bored or tired or both and give up. This time I have a plan. And I have some tools.

1) I'm reading Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts. It's a book I've been avoiding for almost two years because I knew it would blast me from my comfort zone. And while I hate my comfort zone because it's stinks...I'm comfortable there. But I'm embracing the uncomfortable to move toward God and His joy.

2) I'm starting my own list of one thousand gifts. One thousand blessings from God, one thousand things I'm thankful for, one thousand things to celebrate. And the thing is...now that I've started counting, I see them everywhere. I would like to share this list on here because it may inspire somebody else, but I just can't commit to that. I don't have time to log into this blog as often as I'd like and I'm afraid that I will use that ask an excuse. Can't write in the blog, not worth writing down at all! (I know, because I did that before two years ago...)

3) Instead of asking God for things, even the right/rightoues things, I am choosing to only thank Him instead for the next two weeks. A friend of mine did this and she said it changed her life. I believe her. Because it's been a mere 24 hours and I already feel a change. I think this must be what detoxing feels like.

4) In a similar vein, when my instinct is to complain, grumble, nag, or otherwise squawk, I'm choosing to thank God for that very circumstance instead. This is hard but it is the very re-training and re-shaping that I need. It is taking every thought captive and making it submit. It is choosing to be thankful in all situations. Because the fact of the matter is, I am one of those people who will cry (ah-hem, flip my lid) over spilled milk. And that doesn't honor God, draw me nearer to God, or bringing me any closer to catching that butterfly.

5) Last, I have community and this means some accountability. I've always shied away from accountability because I like to hide. But I won't succeed and I'll never change unless I bare my soul and all my ugly and ask for some help. We are communal creatures, especially women, especially me. So here I am, ready to accept some love and help and prayers from my own community. And my community is pieced together through Facebook and emails and blogs and text and face-to-face friendships. This is community for a postmodern mom chasing joy.

And this time I'm not just chasing joy, but choosing joy. It goes hand in hand. When we choose joy, we catch it and then we give it away. I must choose to be thankful, to celebrate, to wear joy on my lips and harbor it in my heart. And then I will have caught it. It will be mine, no longer an elusive butterfly.

This blog started out being my journey towards a merry heart. And if you've followed me from the beginning, despite my long periods of silence, you know that I've wrestled with this. One minute I'm chasing the butterfly and the next I've seemingly given up and moved on with life. And I have no delusions of conquering this once and for all, I will always struggle. But this feels more like a real change. The real re-wiring of my heart that I have craved for so, so long. And what better time than Christmas?

I imagine that the shepherds, feeling a bit foolish, were chasing joy when they went from stable to stable in search of a babe in swaddling clothes. The wise men were chasing joy as they followed that mysterious star toward the child savior. Mary and Joseph must've been chasing joy as her belly grew swollen with the life of the King inside her. They couldn't have been the type to fuss and fret and squawk so they must've been chasing joy. Anna and Simeon caught their joy at the temple when Jesus came to be dedicated to God. Elizabeth and Zechaeriah caught their joy with the birth of their son, the prelude of the Messiah. These people didn't only chase joy but they chose it in their obedience. Joy is everywhere in the Christmas story, from the lips of Mary in her magnificat, to the returning of Zechariah's voice, to the alleulia of angels. Joy abounds at Christmas time.

And this Christmas, I am choosing joy.

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, 

and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: 

and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, 

Fear not: for, behold, I bring you 

good tidings of great joy, 

which shall be to all people.

For unto you is born this day 

in the city of David a Saviour, 

which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign unto you; 

Ye shall find the babe 

wrapped in swaddling clothes, 

lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel 

a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

Glory to God in the highest, 

and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Luke 2:9-13

Plan-less

I wrote a couple weeks ago about my addiction to control and how I'm learning to let go of my compulsive need for plans. It's a painstaking process. I realized this morning, while processing with the Almighty, that what He's really up to is dealing with the real problem and not just the symptoms. It's not about getting me to stop planning all together or, conversely, to only give up one plan at a time. I think it has to do with acknowledging that my plans need to be in line with His plans. It's about slowing down to consider what He's done and what He is doing in my life. It's about seeking after Him more than seeking the next thing I want.

To be quite honest, I struggle with articulating the real lesson I'm getting in all of this. Partially because I don't fully understand it yet. I get it cognitively although I've yet to embrace it emotionally. I can't help but look at life sometimes and wonder if He's lost His mind. And I spout off a lot about what it is I'm fed up with and what I want changed and that I wanted it changed like yesterday. This isn't really appropriate behavior on my part. The Lamb of God already spilled His blood and defeated death for me. Do I really have the right to ask for more? Maybe not the right...but I do have the freedom, the permission, to ask. I'm even encouraged to ask because God wants to give me good things. But I'm not sure this temper tantrum asking is really what He's looking for. I'm pretty sure that's not right.

And that's just it. In the midst of my tantrums, I'm confronted with the fact that as a Christian I am meant to have a peace that passes understanding and a noticeable inexplicable joy. If Paul and Silas could sing in prison, can't I manage at least a smile in my far less dire circumstances? I catch myself focusing on what I don't have that I believe I need instead of dwelling on all that I already have. I'm carrying a miracle. All babies are miracles but my son is one of those should've-never-happened babies, the opposite of an 'oops baby'. I was broken...my body wasn't doing what it was designed to do. And yet here I am, my belly getting more huge every day (just ask my achin' back!). I have so much to be grateful for. I get thunderstruck just thinking about it sometimes.

And that's just it...this baby, this timing, this wasn't my plan. My plan was to get pregnant 3 years ago. My plan was to have a big enough house and car for a kid (or two) and $5,000 in savings before having a kid. My plan included Shiloh but not Bode. My plan didn't foresee Curtis getting laid off or my having to work full-time. And my plan most definitely didn't include whatever it is that lies ahead for us...because I have no idea what that is. My plan was a good plan. A methodical plan. A responsible plan. But it relied completely on me. And a little on Curtis. And just a smidge on God.

So when things changed...when I didn't get pregnant for two and a half years...when Curtis did get laid off...when we adopted Bode (and even I thought we were nuts and it was my idea)...when Shiloh died...my plan didn't account for those things. I guess that's why the 'it's all up to me' mentality doesn't really work for me. I might behave that way but the bottom line is...I don't really believe in it. I can't. Maybe it's because I don't want the responsibility when it all falls apart. But what I've really come to think is that if it's up to me, then I have no hope. I don't have any answers right now. And there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the things that worry me and keep me up at night. I am powerless. And this isn't about me being self-deprecating or buying into some outdated dogma. It's a fact. There is nothing I can do to force the situations in our lives to change. We've thrown every dart at the board and nothing has stuck.

But I can rest knowing that God has a plan, it's a good plan, and it's always been His plan. Because His plan took into account a struggle with infertility, the frustrations of job loss, and even Bode and Shiloh coming in and out of our lives. I might not be able to follow the story arc but that doesn't mean that there isn't one. And just because my plans haven't worked out doesn't mean that His plans aren't being worked out. He has power when I have none. He has wisdom when I'm all out of brain power. He has patience when I'm at my wits end. He doesn't get jumpy and abandon ship for the next good idea. He stays the course and brings me along with Him, even if I'm whining the whole time. (Believe me, I would've made a great Israelite...). And at the end of the day...sometimes literally...that's my best hope. There's still a plan.

Hmm. I've been looking at my life as being plan-less simply because I'm unable to work one out. And then I sit here and yap about God having a plan. There's a disconnect, don't you think? Okay, so it's not that my life is plan-less. It's just that it's void of my agenda at the moment. This may not be profound to anyone else but I just had a huge moment. And maybe that's why I bother writing any of this down...to sort out all my convoluted and contradictory thoughts. And I share it because maybe one of you is just like me...and if you are, I feel your pain!

A Hurricane Tamed (or Resting in Gratitude)

Typically when I read my Bible I like to have a plan. I know this is surprising for all of you. I feel frustrated wasting precious time flipping through pages, trying to figure what to read--Old Testament or New? Narratives or directives? Poetry or prophesy? Too many choices. Give me a reading plan to follow and I'll be happy.

But the last couple nights I've not looked at it that way. It finally dawned on me that the precious time I spend flipping pages, trying to decide what to read is part of the quiet time. Instead of me deciding what I need to read, I've been letting that small quiet stirring (Holy Spirit) lead me. And I've been led to the Psalms. Psalm 34 on Tuesday, Psalm 104 on Wednesday. Tuesday I was searching for peace, Wednesday searching for words to praise. It really only make sense that I would respond for the peace I was given with praise.

But I'm not really one to stop and praise God, if I'm going to be painfully honest here. Oh, sure, I'm grateful for dazzling sunsets, expansive twinkling night skies, the simple beauty of a carefully crafted flower. Yes, I'm relieved and grateful when things don't blow up in my face or don't all crumble to bits. I can think and talk for hours on God's greatness--both in size and in goodness. But all of this 'feel good' doesn't really translate into sincere praise for God. I have a hard time stopping to just revel in His protection and provision. To rest in gratitude.

Rest in gratitude. That just came to me and I think it's hitting the proverbial nail right on it's proverbial metal head. I think there is a certain amount of resting involved in praising God. When I'm truly taking time to praise Him, to thank Him for what He's done, to think about and rejoice in His goodness and grandeur, I'm not doing anything else. I'm not asking for the next thing, worrying about the next thing, planning for the next thing. And for someone like me, whose mind is always going around 100 miles an hour with frenzied thoughts, it's difficult to not simply give a nod to Heaven, and then start on the next thing.

I'm learning, ever so slowly, that taking time to really praise God, to give myself a mental and emotional break by dwelling only on His goodness, is really a healthy choice for me. It's healthy mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and I would argue, even physically.

To illustrate this...Monday night I knew I was headed into a big, fat, busy week. Preparing for a licensing check at work and the first youth swim & study at our house--happening on the same day--was looming in front of me, stressing me out. Monday night I got virtually no sleep. My brain wouldn't turn off. Consciously I wasn't thinking about the things that were subconsciously keeping me awake. My brain will appear to be thinking about stupid things like TV shows, cookies, funny things the dogs did...but underneath the gears are churning because of the things I am worried about.

I already told you that Tuesday night I was looking for some words about peace. I found this: The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all (Psalm 34:19). I wrote down some thoughts about righteousness (which I may share someday), and instead of 'praying' about my problems (which is really just whining directed at God), I simply rested in these words. And I slept.

Last night, Wednesday, my heart was full of praise. All I wanted to do was to find some words to praise God, and I found this: I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the LORD. (Psalm 104: 33-34). The last couple of verses of a beautiful poem about God's mastery and wisdom in creation. After writing my thoughts, I took a few minutes to really praise God, to agree with the words of the Psalmist, and then I slept through the night.

Reading my Bible, praising God, thinking about Him, allows my brainwaves to settle. The hurricane of thoughts dissipates. Jesus calmed the storm out on the Sea of Galilee, He can, will, and does calm the storm in my mind--when I do my part to allow Him. When I'm not flipping through the pages of His letter to me in frustration, needing a plan to follow. When I'm quiet, not in control, and really there for Him amazing things can happen. A stressful week is tamed, a roaring lion turned into a purring cat, a hurricane turned into a soft spring rain.

(Sign)Posts on A Journey

Commit. My word for the year. Unlike words such as 'joy', 'patience', or even 'prayer', my word doesn't speak to one specific goal or attribute. And I think God designed it that way. He pressed the word on my heart, I know it's the one word in all the words I know that He wanted me to focus on and filter all my prayers through. Commit. But to what?

1. To being committed.
• Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people. (Ephesians 6:7)
• I tend to be non-committal. Sometimes I just look for a way to flake out. I suppose that is the curse of modern society, but I am called to be above that. If I say I will do it, do it. Because whatever I do it's for the Lord. Even if it doesn't look or feel like it.
2. To believing with the purest most refined belief that anything is possible for she who believes.
• But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours. (Mark 11:23-24)
• That Even I Could Receive a Miracle
3. To loving
• No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.(1 John 4:12)
• 'To love another person is to see the face of God'--LesMis
• Loving my husband the way God intended, loving my family the way God intended, loving my friends, my students, the youth, my neighbors, my enemies. Loving the way God intended. Not the same for each person or relationship, but the way that God designed.
4. To teaching
1. The teaching of your word gives light,so even the simple can understand.(Psalm 119:130)
2. Until I get there, focus on reading the Scriptures to the church, encouraging the believers, and teaching them. (1 Timothy 4:13)
3. But anyone who obeys God’s laws and teaches them will be called great in the Kingdom of Heaven. (Matthew 5:19)
4. Teach, encourage, give light. I must be committed to sharing what I know, what I have been taught or else it is hiding my light under a bushel. And that would be pointless.
5. To writing
• God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. (1 Peter 4:10)
• I write because it's what I was created to do. I know this now. I've stopped fighting it, or wanting to change it,  or believing that I have to be writing something important to be writing at all. I write because it blesses God.
6. To leading
• But Moses protested to God, “Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?”  God answered, “I will be with you." (Exodus 3:11-12)
• "Give me the wisdom and knowledge to lead them properly, for who could possibly govern this great people of yours?” (2 Chronicles 1:10)
• Although I've resisted and fought against it, God has given me some leadership qualities. There are areas where I need to be committed to forging ahead, perhaps forging a new path, and lead people. It's a terrifying thought, and really very humbling because like Moses and Solomon, I realize I can only do it with God.
7. To making the most of every opportunity to do good in these evil times.
• So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. (Ephesians 5:15-17)
• Seize the day the way God intended. Use every opportunity to share the truth of the Good News. Don't wait to live the abundant life that Christ came to give.
8. To repenting of my negativity.
• We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.(2 Corinthians 10:5)
• Committed to breaking my chains of negative thoughts and words. I'm one of those people that despite the joy in my heart the words on lip are negative. Not always critical as much as laced with disappointment. I have great joy, I just struggle to express it and dwell on it. Negative thoughts can be so pushy...so taking them captive until they can behave!
9. To embracing gratitude
• Because you are my helper,I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings. (Psalm 63:7)
• I will shout for joy and sing your praises,for you have ransomed me. (Psalm 71:22-24)
• This is the day the Lord has made.We will rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24)
• I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)
• Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice! (Philippians 4:4)
• I've struggled with this in spite of my desire to notice and record my blessings from the Lord. I find that in the busyness of life I've been unable to stay committed to really celebrating what I've been given and embracing gratitude as a way of life.
10. To studying His word so that it might change me
• “Listen, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord alone. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today.Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up.Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders.Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. (Deuteronomy 6: 4-8)
• God's word is living and active. It has the power to change, even me as stubborn and thick-headed as I am. By studying, memorizing, pouring of His words over and over my life will change. He will speak to me, He will change me, and I will actually be able to commit to all these things.

Because by no means have I been able to do that. I probably never will be fully committed to each of these things at the same time. But that's why this is a journey and a prayer. It is the prayer of my heart to learn what it means to commit all I do to the Lord, and allow Him to tell me what I need to be committed to. I've linked up many of my previous posts because it is a testimony to this journey, this revelation on commitment. And I am certain there will be many more posts along the way. (Sign)Posts on a journey so I can look back and see how far I've come.

In The Midst of Counting...

Have you heard Francesca Battistelli's really fun new song --'This is the Stuff'? The lyrics for the chorus are: "In the middle of my little mess, I forget how big I'm blessed." And the bridge has a great closing line of, "It's not the end of the world!" So I was singing along the other day in my truck when I had to stop mid-lyric for one of my famous 'ah-ha' moments. I've been having a lot of those lately. It's good to be coming awake from spiritual sleepiness. Anyway, I rabbit trail....'how big I'm blessed.' That's what hit me.

I've been counting gifts. Check out my newly added page by clicking the tab at the top to find out more about what that means. I'm counting all the little blessings from God. Sunsets. Laughter. Random little boys with swords (I'm not kidding...he was jumping around my office with a plastic sword). Story-telling. A puppy-kisses alarm clock. The thousand ways God shows me He loves me.

But somewhere in the midst of counting I lost sight of the BIG blessing. The one that takes all, the trump card. The one that goes beyond just little me. The one that saved little me. Christ's gift of death for my rebellion. Jesus' triumph over death so I don't have to be forever and ever separated from Goodness and Love.

How often I forget the biggest moment in all history. How shameful. I walk around with His name on my lips but forgetting what He's done. James, whom most scholars believe was Jesus' brother, writes about this very problem. He says it's like looking at yourself in the mirror and then forgetting what you look like as soon as you walk away. To say that you know Jesus but forget His sacrifice. Impossible if you really love Him, with true love, with extravagant love.

So counting all the blessings, that's a good thing. But I can't ever let that get in the way of seeing the blessing of all blessings. Relationship with my Creator, fellowship with the King. (Rabbit Trail: I have some thoughts about God's kingship, especially since watching Showtime's series on Henry the VIII. I know, who woulda thought God could use Showtime to teach anyone anything spiritual? But don't ever put limitations on Him...nothing is outside the realm of His possibilities. I'll be posting those thoughts soon...) I can tell you it is a blessing, an honor, a gift to be able to approach the King freely. Especially the King of Kings. The one with all the power.

On my way to work I heard the first verse of 'Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing'. This is a beautiful old hymn. Jars of Clay has a great version, David Crowder Band has an amazing one. But I think the lyrics speak to this very idea. Acknowledging that God is the source of every blessing....and first counted is always Jesus' blood. And incidentally, I have a feeling these lyrics might become inspiration for many more posts. Read them slowly, let their truth sink in.

Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

Love Like A Hurricane, I Am A Tree...

I absolutely love that song, 'How He Loves' by David Crowder Band. Love it. Love. It. I remember the first time I heard it I was driving and listening to KLOVE. Tears came to my eyes, and I wished I'd had that song several years back. It would've nurtured my aching heart and tired soul so much. Well, it still does even though I'm no longer in that dark place. I've come to understand that is one of the best things about God's love--it is necessary and awesome no matter where you are. Desperate or content, searching or found, devastated or hopeful.

I started to learn the depth of God's love after my heart had been crushed. For a long time I blamed this heart crushing on a boy. After all, it was our break up that seemed to have left me devastated and lost. It seemed that he was the source of all my pain. But I think even then, even before I could admit it, I knew that wasn't the case. He was just a boy, doing the best he could...it just turned out his best wasn't good enough. And neither was mine. It never is. It never can be. Our best is still hopelessly flawed and insufficient.

I can remember feeling astonished that the Sunday School song about the wise man and the foolish man was true. It was not just a song for contractors, apparently it was a song for me. About me. And me, a Sunday School kid, been in church all my life, little self-righteous me, had fallen into the foolish man camp of sand-builders. I felt the full weight of my foolishness. I'd placed all my hopes, security, and worth on men--both literally and figuratively. And when they couldn't give me what I needed, when the rains came down and the floods came up, my house was washed away. My heart was left homeless.

And it was then that He could find me. When as a little lamb lost in the wood, I finally started calling out for help. I strained to hear His voice. I yearned for the safety of His arms and His flock. Not anything else. Not anyone else. Just Him.

And I came to learn that He is indeed jealous for me. It broke His heart for me to turn on His love and give myself to another. I put a mere mortal in His rightful place. I suffered the consequences, I think He wanted to save me from that but His word is true. He had to turn me over to my desires and to let me suffer the fruits of those decisions. He had to. God can't violate His own laws, statutes, commands, promises. I think of the scene in the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe when Susan suggests that Aslan not obey the ancient law, and he growls at her. God's laws must be obeyed, even by Him. Especially by Him.

But how He rejoiced over me. He showered me with His love. Clothing me in the richness of His grace and forgiveness. Washing me clean with His own sacrifice. Making me one worthy of His love. Me. The one who had known better and still turned away. The one who had made a disgrace of everything He is. He took even me and made me something beautiful.

I wish I could tell you that I've stayed in the flock and never wandered astray. I would love to report that I've never again been unfaithful to my Lord. But that would be a lie. Perhaps even an impossibility. But in spite of my unfaithful heart, He remains faithful. In spite of my flawed and fickle outbursts of love, His love is unwavering and unchanging.

Steady and true is the way God loves me, the way He loves you. His love doesn't make our sins and philandering okay. Not at all, not even a little bit. But His love covers a multitude of sins. If we accept it, if we bend beneath the weight of His wind and mercy, as Mr.Crowder would sing. That's all He really asks. I've tried to make it up to Him, to show Him how good I can be. But I inevitably fail and am left with nothing to offer but crumbled bits of good intentions. He doesn't want us to show Him how good we can be--our best goodness is still sin. He wants us to let Him do the work. He wants to show us, I think, how good we can be. How good He can make us as He is making us more like Jesus.

Just take His love. Hold on to it, cherish it, cling to it, never let it go. And all the rest will come together as God orchestrates the symphony of change in our lives.

I wrote this post yesterday but didn't have time to edit and post it...soooo since it was Monday, I'm going to share some of my 'One Thousand Gifts'.

41. A homemade Valentine card from my husband
42. Dinner being made when I walk in the door
43. A clean kitchen!
44. A puppy that only ate one flip-flop when left alone for 6 hours
45. A quiet afternoon at work
46. Pictures of my grandmother and great-aunt at a tea party
47. Feeling comforted by God's word
48. Peace that passes understanding
49. The promise of 'inexpressible joy'
50. Friends
51. A friend sharing a trailer for a Jane Eyre movie that actually looks faithful to the book.

It's the little things in life...

Swept Away

"And life is beautiful in spite of all its sorrow and care. I seem to realize the truth of this afresh every day and to see its beauty more clearly. There is so much in the world for us all, if we only have the eyes to see it and the heart to love it and the hand to gather it to ourselves--so much in men and women, so much in art and literature, so much everywhere in the narrowest, most circumscribed life--so much to enjoy and delight in and be thankful for."--L.M Montgomery

My days when I manage to not be totally self-absorbed, I feel the vibrancy of this quote. I agree with Maud (Lucy Maud Montgomery's preferred name...and yes, we are on a first-name basis:) ) and her passionate view of the human experience. Yes, I know. It isn't always sunshine and rainbows. So did she. So do you, I would hazard to guess. And so does God. But there is still a powerful undercurrent of beauty in life, and the wisest people allow themselves to be swept away.

But I am not one of the wise and I am beginning to understand this is an essential step part in having a merry heart. A joyful and thankful heart is in its very nature merry. It's hard to admit, shameful really, but I am not a joyful or thankful person. In spite of all I've been given I seem to be hardwired to radiate a signal of negativity. I am grateful to God but I don't show it. I complain. I whine. I criticize. I complain some more. Whenever I read about the Ancient Israelites my ears burn because they're talking about me. I'm just as bad as they were.

I've seen miracles--in ordinary days and in extraordinary moments--and yet lose my joy at the first twinge of irritation. I suppose it was one thing to be negative before falling in love with Him, but to stay this way? True love inspires change. And a life which reflects God's grace requires change. A shift from self to Savior.

And this change requires commitment. My word again. A commitment to gratitude which will bear the fruit of joy and...merriness. My merry heart.

Ann Voskamp has inspired me, and countless others, to notice God's gifts and be grateful. She's written a book I intend to purchase and read which covers this idea (and so much more from what I can tell from reviews). And on her blog there is an invitation to join her. I put the button on my blog to show my commitment to this new lifestyle of gratitude and joy.

So here I go. I'm jumping in to be swept away in that undercurrent of beauty which is God's awesome love.

The start of my gift list...hoping to reach 1000 by the first day of Summer?
1. Getting up a half hour before the alarm to start my day with Him
2. Having a few spare mintures to just scratch Bode's tummy
3. Being greeted with a thousand slobbery kisses from Shiloh and Bode
4. My husband's smiling eyes even when he's had a hard day
5. A sunset with clouds that make the sky look like an ocean. I. Love. That.
6. Quiet moments at work making Valentine's crafts with a kindergartner.
7. Felix's (our kitty) fascination with water & watching him drink from the tap.
8. A string of really good songs on the radio.
9. That tingly feeling of knowing you've found Him again, or been found by Him again.
10. Being a little lamb held in His arms.