My Addiction to Control

Trust in the LORD with all your heart 
   and lean not on your own understanding; 
in all your ways submit to him, 
   and he will make your paths straight

--Proverbs 3:5-6

Yesterday our pastor asked the Sunday school class what spiritual goals we have for 2012. One dear friend of mine talked about learning to surrender her sense of control to the Lord and this resonated with me. God and I have been going in circles with my control issues. I have an addiction to control, and like any other addiction, I can't grow until its dealt with. So God has been painstakingly, patiently, and lovingly helping me deal with it. I can't believe how far He's brought me during the course of this pregnancy. I was forced to truly realize and admit that I can't decide how many days my son will spend in my womb, how many days he will spend on this Earth, how much happiness he will have. I had to let go of my ideas and plans for his nursery, our finances, our jobs, our future. I nearly had a panic attack as God asked me to let go of what I believed I could hold on to. Yes, I understand control issues.

And that's when I realized my goal for 2012 and at the same time my prayer word for this year, sort of. I can't come up with just one word. Surrender is part of it, but its surrendering with the idea of being emptied out. My goal for 2012 is to not have goals, plans, or expectations. That does not mean to stumble about haphazardly like a feather being blown by the wind. This is foolishness. Proverbs 3 instructs the wise to have sound plans and use good judgment. But the danger in planning for control freaks like me is that we plan too much and set our hearts upon our plans. I trust on my own wisdom, I put too much stock in my plans coming to fruition, I can't be flexible, I get tunnel vision. It's my way or no way. 

The fact is that entering into motherhood is going to require me to think, feel, and behave in ways I never have before. I will pray in ways I never have before. I will dream and plan and hope in ways I never have before. All of this is beautiful...if I submit it all to the Lord. If I take my every dream, plan, hope, and idea to Him for approval. If I don't jump days, weeks, months ahead in my life. If I take each day as He gives it to me. Which is after all how Jesus tells us to live. 

So don’t worry about tomorrow, 
for tomorrow will bring its own worries. 

Today’s trouble is enough for today.--Matthew 6:34

I already have people asking me, telling me, what my next ministry goals should be, what projects I should undertake. I find myself plotting and planning, but the Spirit isn't guiding me. I feel no divine encouragement, no heavenly spark of inspiration. This is not because I am far from God; this is because God has not yet revealed to me the ministry He wants me to undertake. I'm a people pleaser so I can be talked into most anything...but this is how you get so busy you miss your true calling. 

I realized that I can have a 'ministry' even while stepping back from other commitments. My grandmother has a ministry and she's a shut-in. She prays with devotion, she calls people to encourage them, she sends out greeting cards to let people know she cares. This is a ministry even if its not something you can sign up to join or read about in the bulletin. This is a ministry that Jesus sees and loves, because its the kind of work He did. I can do this kind of ministry anytime...pregnant, with a newborn, and beyond. If God intends for me to start or join a 'joinable' ministry, He'll let me know. He'll make it so clear that I won't have a choice. It won't be this crickety silence from above that I'm getting right now. 

But the even more important part of this surrendering/emptying out goal of 2012 is accepting that I can't make plans for my family/life. I can't make plans for my son because I don't have any idea what he'll be like. I can't say what I'll do this spring or summer because I have no way of knowing how labor and delivery will go (smoothly, I hope). I can't promise to visit relatives or go on little getaways or anything else. I can make no promises to anyone except to God. I can promise Him that I will rest when He says rest, move when He says move, and in all ways, submit my plans to Him.

You can make many plans,

But the Lord's purpose will prevail.

--Proverbs 19:21

This will be hard for me. Harder than my word for last year (commit). I don't like to give up my ways and the idea of being emptied out can be scary. I like to believe I'm in charge, sometimes I think I need to believe it. But I will never truly trust God if I'm secretly telling myself that I'm in control. I will never really feel secure if I'm relying on my own wisdom and plans. I have to let go, be emptied out, and surrender to really know God the way He wants me to and to live the life He has planned for me. 

People won't understand. It will look like spiritual laziness at times. That's okay. It's not about them. This is about listening for God and God alone to direct my plans. This is about waiting for God and God alone to provide when things look desperate. This is about acknowledging that God and God alone is truly in control of my life, my husband's life, our child's life, and the lives of everyone we love. It's not about me or anyone else. God and God alone. 

Commit (surrender, submit, abandon, let go, and empty out)

 everything you do to the LORD. 

Trust him, and he will help you.

--Psalm 37:5

Incidentally, God has brought to mind several songs which will encourage me through this journey. He knows how much music encourages me, He designed me that way. FFH's 'Come Undone', Sanctus Real's 'Whatever You're Doing' (which I've written about before) and the hymn 'I Surrender All' speak to the very nature of this journey. The difficulty in letting go, in coming undone, in trying to accept what you can't understand or see, in giving everything over to God. I know God will bring more songs to encourage me as 2012 unfolds because He is good and faithful and loving. That one thing I can hold onto as He empties me out of all my preconceived notions, expectations, and plans. 

The LORD will work out his plans for my life— 
      for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. 
      Don’t abandon me, for you made me.

--Psalm 138:8

A Hurricane Tamed (or Resting in Gratitude)

Typically when I read my Bible I like to have a plan. I know this is surprising for all of you. I feel frustrated wasting precious time flipping through pages, trying to figure what to read--Old Testament or New? Narratives or directives? Poetry or prophesy? Too many choices. Give me a reading plan to follow and I'll be happy.

But the last couple nights I've not looked at it that way. It finally dawned on me that the precious time I spend flipping pages, trying to decide what to read is part of the quiet time. Instead of me deciding what I need to read, I've been letting that small quiet stirring (Holy Spirit) lead me. And I've been led to the Psalms. Psalm 34 on Tuesday, Psalm 104 on Wednesday. Tuesday I was searching for peace, Wednesday searching for words to praise. It really only make sense that I would respond for the peace I was given with praise.

But I'm not really one to stop and praise God, if I'm going to be painfully honest here. Oh, sure, I'm grateful for dazzling sunsets, expansive twinkling night skies, the simple beauty of a carefully crafted flower. Yes, I'm relieved and grateful when things don't blow up in my face or don't all crumble to bits. I can think and talk for hours on God's greatness--both in size and in goodness. But all of this 'feel good' doesn't really translate into sincere praise for God. I have a hard time stopping to just revel in His protection and provision. To rest in gratitude.

Rest in gratitude. That just came to me and I think it's hitting the proverbial nail right on it's proverbial metal head. I think there is a certain amount of resting involved in praising God. When I'm truly taking time to praise Him, to thank Him for what He's done, to think about and rejoice in His goodness and grandeur, I'm not doing anything else. I'm not asking for the next thing, worrying about the next thing, planning for the next thing. And for someone like me, whose mind is always going around 100 miles an hour with frenzied thoughts, it's difficult to not simply give a nod to Heaven, and then start on the next thing.

I'm learning, ever so slowly, that taking time to really praise God, to give myself a mental and emotional break by dwelling only on His goodness, is really a healthy choice for me. It's healthy mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and I would argue, even physically.

To illustrate this...Monday night I knew I was headed into a big, fat, busy week. Preparing for a licensing check at work and the first youth swim & study at our house--happening on the same day--was looming in front of me, stressing me out. Monday night I got virtually no sleep. My brain wouldn't turn off. Consciously I wasn't thinking about the things that were subconsciously keeping me awake. My brain will appear to be thinking about stupid things like TV shows, cookies, funny things the dogs did...but underneath the gears are churning because of the things I am worried about.

I already told you that Tuesday night I was looking for some words about peace. I found this: The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all (Psalm 34:19). I wrote down some thoughts about righteousness (which I may share someday), and instead of 'praying' about my problems (which is really just whining directed at God), I simply rested in these words. And I slept.

Last night, Wednesday, my heart was full of praise. All I wanted to do was to find some words to praise God, and I found this: I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the LORD. (Psalm 104: 33-34). The last couple of verses of a beautiful poem about God's mastery and wisdom in creation. After writing my thoughts, I took a few minutes to really praise God, to agree with the words of the Psalmist, and then I slept through the night.

Reading my Bible, praising God, thinking about Him, allows my brainwaves to settle. The hurricane of thoughts dissipates. Jesus calmed the storm out on the Sea of Galilee, He can, will, and does calm the storm in my mind--when I do my part to allow Him. When I'm not flipping through the pages of His letter to me in frustration, needing a plan to follow. When I'm quiet, not in control, and really there for Him amazing things can happen. A stressful week is tamed, a roaring lion turned into a purring cat, a hurricane turned into a soft spring rain.