In The Fullness of Time

He hath made everything beautiful in His time....Ecclesiastes 3:11

My mom cross-stitched this verse for me when I was very small. Maybe a baby, I'm really not sure. All I know is that I've had it for as long as I can remember. It's become a life verse for me, as it has has meant different things to me at different times, and probably always will. These days it's the last word that has me thinking. Time.

Not just any time, or anybody's time, but His time. I'll spare you the cliches on God's calendar not matching ours and all that rigmarole. They're very true but we all know them. Let me try to be original.

I've been wrestling with time and His time for awhile now. I feel frustrated and disappointed about my life right now. It seems that nothing is going according to plan. Things are taking longer to get accomplished or to change. I'm getting burned out and tired from the struggle to get through each day. I'm spending more and more time shaking my fist at Heaven.

And then I get clobbered with some Truth. I use a capital 'T' because it seems to me that truth from Heaven is worthy of some capitalization. God's truth should be a proper noun. And the Truth of the matter is that God's time takes far more into consideration than just me, or just the people around me. God's time takes all of eternity into account. This seems obvious, something we all know, but it's something we can all take for granted if we're not paying attention.

The specific situation in my life has been this struggle to have children. I look at every month that goes by as a big fat 'no', a big fat failure, a big fat disappointment. This morning, I discovered, that God sees it as another month closer to the fullness of His time. Another month closer to the goal.

The fact of the matter is that while Curtis and I want to be parents, it's just not God's time. And it's not that we're not ready, good enough, or deserving. It may be that God needs this baby to be born or to come into our care at a later date. God already has plans for this child and the first part of that plan is his/her conception. It all must fit.

If God had given Isaac to Abraham & Sarah fifty years earlier, Rebekah wouldn't have been there for Isaac to marry. And without her there'd be no Jacob & Esau, no Uncle Laban for Jacob to run to, no Rachel and Leah for him to marry. The whole Old Testament unravels.

If God had let Rachel get pregnant right away, would Joseph have been the treasured son? And if Joseph wasn't favored, his brothers wouldn't have sold him into slavery. And without Joseph's ultimate success in Egypt, the tribes of Israel would've perished in the famine.

If God had given Hannah her precious son, Samuel, the first time she'd asked for a child, she wouldn't have dedicated him to the Lord. And if Samuel hadn't been given back to the Lord and lived with Eli in the temple, he wouldn't have become a priest. And if Samuel hadn't become a priest, who would've anointed both Saul and David? Who would've spoken Truth to Israels' first king?

If God had given Elizabeth and Zechariah their son, John, earlier in life he could not have really prepared the way for Jesus. Their ministries had to overlap. If John had been born sooner, who would've baptized Jesus?

God had a specific plan for Isaac, Joseph, Samuel, and John. Their parents had to wait, suffer even, before finally getting the child they so wanted. Sarah, Hannah, and Elizabeth all praised God, fully acknowledging that their sons had been born in the fullness of God's time in accordance with His will and His plan. Rachel did not, and died trying to have another child. It seems to me that is significant.

Waiting for God's timing isn't easy. Ever. But I have to change my perspective. I have to remember it's not just my life I'm praying about, it's the life of my future child. And God has a plan for that child,  more significant and eternal than any dream of mine. I need to be grateful for God's timing, and look forward to the moment when His plan and mine finally converge. In the fullness of time, everything will be beautiful.

More Than Conquerors

Last night (that would be 3-26-11) Curtis and I went with the youth group to the Love Come to Life Tour with Big Daddy Weave, Chris Sligh, and Luminate. Aside from forgetting our tickets at home and having to borrow the pastor's car to go get them (totally my bad...I had them in my hand at one point yesterday and then totally and completely forgot about them when we left the house! ERGH!), it was a really great night of good music, fun fellowship, and Jesus-centered worship.

But before I get off on some rabbit trail about music and all that...I want to stay focused on the one thing that really resonated with me last night. In every good concert/worship experience there are several moments that are striking. And being a person that connects so heavily through music it can almost always be an emotional evening. In fact, if my emotions don't get a little high, I know I've wondered far from the flock and I've grown that numb. Anyway...of all those moments the one that really hit home happened early in the evening.

The lead singer from Luminate told a story about how their song 'Fearlessly' came to be written. He was afraid of failure, of worldly failure. He said it left him petrified and unable to move forward. But then he read in Romans 8 "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.". And it gave him what he needed to get past his fear. The Bible repeats over and over again, 'do not fear, I am with you'. And one of my personal favorite passages is in 1 John when we are told that perfect love casts out fear and there is no fear in love.

And then he (the lead singer) said this: If God has opened a door for you, you must walk through it.

No matter if you're scared, intimidated, or think you're unworthy. If God has opened the door, you must walk through it. I realized God has opened many doors for me over the years but I've walked through very few of them. I struggle a lot with perfection. I'm one of those people that thinks that if I can't do it 'perfectly', I shouldn't do it at all. But that leaves no room for God to be strong in my weakness, for His grace to strengthen all the weak spots. That attitude allows fear (not of God) to win. I'm petrified, just like the lead singer said. Afraid to move forward, backward, left or right, I'll just stand still and hope the opportunity passes so I don't have to make a move. I've let so many good things go by because I was afraid of what might happen. I didn't trust, I wasn't committed to making the most of my God-given opportunities. I let my fear of earthly failure hijack my faith.

I noticed when some of the youth girls and I were getting pictures and autographs that the lead singer has 'More Than Conquerors' tattooed on his arm. A permanent reminder of God's promise, of what has already been done for him, for me, for us. I like that idea. I write things I don't want to forget on my hands all the time anyway--just ask my students--so I'm thinking about writing 'commit' on my hand. Commit is my word for this year, my prayer for myself, my promise. When I think about being truly committed to whatever I put my hand to I find motivation to not let fear or laziness get in the way. I push through whatever stands in my way. And the shear act of writing 'commit' on my hand every day, even for just a week, will remind me of what I'm committed to. And will also remind me of that 'More Than Conqueror's tattoo, which in turn reminds me of what I am because of what Jesus has already done. And suddenly...that fear of failure doesn't seem so momentous.

So that was my big moment last night. Of the 3+ hours we spent rocking out and worshipping God that was my moment. Every now and then I know I'm exactly where God needed me to be so I could hear from Him...it can be in my car listening to the radio, at Church taking in a sermon, or even at a concert hanging out with youth. I guess I didn't just hear some good tunes last night, I heard from God. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday evening (aside from the ticket debacle).

I Don't Have a Plan For This

Women of the Bible. I'm writing a book in which every character has a Biblical name (except three and they're virtues)...so let me tell you, there aren't very many. I've run out of names. I've had to dip into the 'not-sure-how-to-pronounce-this' names. But the women who are included in the Scriptures are interesting examples of womanhood. Very few stereotypes or caricatures. These were real women who reacted to real situations in real ways. Like me.

I was thinking about a few of them imparticular yesterday. Sarah, Rebekah, and Hannah. Sarah and Rebekah determined to fulfill God's promises for Him. When He didn't do what He'd promised within their timeframe, they both figured out a way to do it themselves. Manipulative and determined. Never mind the collateral damage--Hagar & Ishmael (And Abraham, too) and Esau (And Jacob, too).

But Hannah. Not Hannah. She was broken-hearted. I think Sarah was, too. It's unimaginably hard having a womb that won't conceive, to feel broken. And maybe Rebekah was broken-hearted as well. Year after year waiting for Jacob to be made first, as God had promised. This wasn't her idea--it was God's! But where was He? What's He waiting for? All three women must've asked that question countless times...what are you waiting for, God?

But no matter how many times she asked, Hannah didn't take matters into her own hands. She took it to God, she released her grip on that which she desired more than anything in the world. She cried out to Him.

I don't have a plan for this. 

Those were the words that came to me yesterday. I can't say that I thought of it. No, that was a message. And it actually got through.

I'm more like Rebekah, in a hurry and always planning. Not manipulating people as much but trying to manipulate God to get things done! You know those ridiculous JG Wentworth commercials of people yelling--"It's my money and I want it  now!" I feel like that. You promised me xyz and I want it NOW! 

And I like to have a plan. Sarah and Rebekah must've felt pretty good at first. We know what the plan is, we can make more plans based on that. I love to make plans on top of plans on top of more plans. I'm a compulsive planner. Which is weird because I'm also indecisive...but thats a rabbit trail for another time. 

But these days my heart is worn out from planning. If this is a chess game, I'm exhausted from trying to figure out what His next move is and plan ahead based on that. My heart is fed up with my own plans. Now, instead, my heart is whispering...

God, I don't have a plan for this. 

I don't have a clue how to deal with what I feel or what I want.

 I don't know how to navigate from Point A to Point B.

I don't have a plan for this. 

But I do have His promises. So did Hannah...and for that matter so did Sarah and Rebekah. The defining factor is putting trust in His promises and His character, or putting trust in self. I want to be like Hannah and trust--always putting my trust in Him, His promises, His character, His goodness.

Last year for Christmas my uncle gave me a bracelet which reads 'For I know the plans I have for you' Jeremiah 29:11. And the verse finishes, 'plans to prosper and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future'. That verse has been my anthem for going on two years now. And my mother-in-law has taught me to see the miracles in ordinary days, and to expect miracles at any time. God can do anything and He will not withhold goodness to those whom He loves. As my mom often reminds me, He makes everything beautiful
in His time. And I think God's definition of beautiful differs from ours. It looks more like Him and less like a magazine. Beautiful is a heart that trusts Him in a doubting world, beautiful is a steadfast belief in His goodness in a fallen world, beautiful is loving Him even when it's hard to see His purposes. 

So while there might not be very many women in the Bible, not compared to the lists and lists of men, there are some dazzling examples. What a legacy of faith they left for us to follow.