Before the Baby Comes Bucket List

There's a list a mile long of things I still want to get done before the baby arrives. Most of it relates directly to his arrival. Things like organizing the craft room (i.e. getting rid of all the JUNK in there we don't need and won't have room for), getting the mudroom more functional and less of a dumping ground, and the obvious things like washing all of his clothes/linens, and finishing the nursery. But I thought of one thing I want to do today before he gets here.

Last April I flew all the way to Florida to baby-sit my niece. Spending all that time in the airport and airplanes by myself gave me time to start a book of sizable girth. A book I had started once before, ages ago in middle school, and didn't finish. I got frustrated with the author's style. He tends to ramble and get himself distracted with discourses in European & Ancient history and philosophy. Now that I'm older I got into the story more (and gave myself permission to skip some pages here or there of the rambling). But when the trip came to an end, I read a little bit at home and then came to a screeching halt...300 pages from the end.

When I had my glucose test I knew I'd be trapped in the waiting room for at least an hour so I dug the book out and brought it with me. Thanks to my memory and my cinema-like mind I got right back into the plot with hardly missing a beat. But busyness has been keeping me from reading more. Well, truth be told, busyness and my DVR. I've been reliving my middle school years by watching 'Boy Meets World' every evening when I could very well be reading. I guess I'm part of the TV generation I love to loathe after all.

But I want to finish this book before the baby gets here. First of all, it's just silly that I read over a 1,000 pages and have gotten stuck here with 300 pages to go. That's far more than half and to not finish would be a real biblio-failure. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly from a psychological point of view, if I take the time to finish this book, it's something just for me. This doesn't benefit the baby, Curtis, or anyone else. And while I most definitely do not fall into the 'it's okay to be selfish' camp, I do know that there are times when it is necessary to do something completely for yourself. And completely by myself. Unlike ladies' nights and craft nights at church which involve my 'soul sisters' (as we've decided to call ourselves) reading is solitary. It's me time and only me time.

I tried to come up with some other things to achieve before my son comes in and takes over my life. Maybe it's sad but I couldn't come up with anything else that really seems important to get done. I don't have much of a bucket list really anyway. So this is the one thing on my 'Before the Baby Comes Bucket List'. To finish a novel I started almost a year ago. And I feel that I must give myself permission to fail at this in case I don't find the time to read in the next 6-8 weeks. It's okay. Really, I think the idea of it is more important. It reminds me to not let my life get too wrapped up in my son. Ultimately that wouldn't be healthy for me, Curtis, or the baby. It would lead to a loss of my identity and smothering him with my plans for his life.

And for anyone who is wondering...the book is Les Miserables by Victor Hugo. I know, I know, it seems strange that someone like me who is OBSESSED with the show and has been quite the bookworm in the past has not read LesMis yet. Like I said, Hugo can be a smidge annoying at times (especially when I tried reading him as a 7th grader...geez louise, that was rough)...but hopefully my determination wins over his ADD style of writing and I manage to finish. Or not. Either way. At least I have my music.

What I Believe

I enjoy Facebook. In fact, I probably enjoy it too much. I spend far too much time reading status updates and trying to come up with clever ones of my own. I think it's an interesting form of expression. Some people use it to express their political beliefs (my friends range from extreme socialists to extreme capitalists, from strong liberals to strong conservatives, and everything in between), some their religious beliefs (evangelical Christians, Muslims, atheists, Jews). Some people just use it to catch up with old friends or to see pictures of their grandkids. It's a pretty interesting tool of self expression in the 21st century.

But my issue is this: If one of my friends posts something I don't agree with, be it a religious (or anti-religious) statement or a socialist statement or anything else, and I comment about why they're wrong, then I am labelled a judgmental, conservative, Christian who doesn't think for herself. But if I post something that I believe in, it's okay to tell me why I am wrong. It's okay to pass judgment on the conservative, evangelical Christian. It's okay to clutter up my page with reasons why I am wrong and I shouldn't express my beliefs. I find this interesting and a little frustrating.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I want the right to run around telling people that they're wrong. That's not my style. I suppose I could, there's nothing stopping me from doing it, other than my own sense of what is decent. Facebook is self-expression and if my friends want to express their beliefs and ideas, then that's okay. It's the forum to do it in. Express away. Post all you want. If I agree, great! I'll give you a 'like', if I don't then that's okay, too...I'll just keep scrolling. I respect my friends enough to do that. I don't feel the need to insert my two cents whenever I see something I don't agree with. So what I'm saying is, if you don't agree with me, then don't agree with me, but don't tell me why I'm wrong. Don't try to correct beliefs that I've spent a lifetime forming. Not on Facebook, that's not the place.

So here's my thing.I figure I'm going to get it all out there in one big burst. This is who I am and what I believe.

I am a conservative, evangelical Christian who mostly votes Republican except for when I think the Democrat is the better candidate. I don't believe in 'half-way' Christianity where we want to take God's love and protection but throw out His standards and expectations. I think God loves us enough to change us from the hot messes we are into something beautiful, something more like Him and less like the world around us. I believe that the Bible is God-breathed and inerrant. I believe in Creationism, the Flood, the  Virgin Birth, the Resurrection, and that the end-times will come as the Bible foretells it. I believe that we are all fallen, we're all broken, we're all screwed up, and that the ONLY answer is giving our lives over to Jesus Christ. I believe that while I have choices and free will that it is God's plan that ultimately comes to fruition and that my life is exponentially better when I am seeking to align my will with His. I believe that it is necessary to be controversial sometimes but to temper that always with love and compassion. I believe that's why the world hates people like Tim Tebow who doesn't get hot-headed and judgmental as the world expects Christians to be--He is like Jesus, certain of his beliefs but expressing them with a level-head and an open heart. I believe that the world was better when we were allowed to talk about God in the schools. I believe that the world was better before TV and the internet came along to numb our minds and turn off critical thinking skills. I believe that I am different than most of my peers. I believe that this post will offend some people and they will want to comment about how I am close-minded or wrong. Or how I believe in a mythological God but that's not supposed to offend me. I'm supposed to just be okay with it when people call the One I put all my trust in, the One who lived and died and rose again for me, the One who moved Heaven and Earth for me, the One who loved me when I was unlovable, the One who cleaned me up when I was a filthy mess, the One who saved me from myself...when people call Him a myth, or just a nice guy, or an impossibility, I'm supposed to be okay with that. I believe that I can't be okay with that and be a real Christian.

I believe that I've probably said enough or maybe too much. We, Christians, were promised this frustration and this double standard. Jesus was called the Prince of Demons, how could we expect to be embraced? No, we were promised controversy and rejection. But we were given a blessing...

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, 

   for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 

Blessed are those who mourn, 

   for they will be comforted. 

Blessed are the meek, 

   for they will inherit the earth. 

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, 

   for they will be filled. 

Blessed are the merciful, 

   for they will be shown mercy. 

Blessed are the pure in heart, 

   for they will see God. 

Blessed are the peacemakers, 

   for they will be called children of God. 

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, 

   for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

   “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

--The Beatitudes, Matthew 5:3-12

Keep On Kicking

I'm tired. I should be in bed. In fact, I should've been in bed long enough that I should be getting up to go to the bathroom about now. But I'm not. I'm here. I'm writing.

I'm writing to you, my son. I have a friend--a kindred spirit, actually, someone I've never met because she lives in England but we both love books and we met through email...this is friendship in the 21st century sometimes...anyway--I have a friend who writes letters to her daughter and she shares them with the rest of us. I liked that idea. I don't think I'll be as disciplined as she is in writing to you every month but I'm going to write to you now. Because I'm thinking about it.

And these days that's when I have to do things--when I think about it. I used to be good at keeping a mental list of things to do, things to write, things to say. But lately I can't keep two thoughts in my brain. "They" say this is pregnancy brain. I find it frustrating. In fact, I find many things frustrating these days--the ache in my back that makes it hard to walk sometimes, my inability to find a comfortable position in bed, how tired I feel and knowing that's only going to get worse. But despite the inconveniences and aches and pains, I don't really mind. Oh, sure, I'll whine. I'm a good whiner...but the truth is, I don't mind. Not if it gives me you.

The reason I wanted to write is because I was thinking about your kicks. Lately, you've been kicking me a lot...and hard. Every now and then you hit something just right in there and it HURTS! But all I can think about it is how much I'm going to miss feeling that. I suppose that's a little silly because that means I'll be holding you, finally seeing your face and touching those beautiful toes we first saw back in October. But you won't be safe and secure and protected inside of me. You'll be out here in this crazy, mixed up, beautiful world, and I won't feel you kicking anymore.

There's so much I'm just itching to share with you. I'm afraid I'm going to be one of those ridiculous people that takes babies to things that they are far too young to appreciate...like taking you to the zoo when you're about two months old. But I'm just so excited for you to see this world, to hear the music, to read you books, to tell you stories. I'm so excited to tell you the story of your name. I hope it inspires you. I think it will.

But I'm going to miss those kicks. I'm going to miss wondering what you're up to in there. I'm going to miss the security we both feel of having you inside of me. But it'll be wonderful...to have you. You have no idea how much and for how long I've wanted you...and you daddy, too. We both are just crazy about you already. Our son.

So, keep on kicking...and ignore me when I whine. Because it's all worth it to have you.
All my love...me

Plan-less

I wrote a couple weeks ago about my addiction to control and how I'm learning to let go of my compulsive need for plans. It's a painstaking process. I realized this morning, while processing with the Almighty, that what He's really up to is dealing with the real problem and not just the symptoms. It's not about getting me to stop planning all together or, conversely, to only give up one plan at a time. I think it has to do with acknowledging that my plans need to be in line with His plans. It's about slowing down to consider what He's done and what He is doing in my life. It's about seeking after Him more than seeking the next thing I want.

To be quite honest, I struggle with articulating the real lesson I'm getting in all of this. Partially because I don't fully understand it yet. I get it cognitively although I've yet to embrace it emotionally. I can't help but look at life sometimes and wonder if He's lost His mind. And I spout off a lot about what it is I'm fed up with and what I want changed and that I wanted it changed like yesterday. This isn't really appropriate behavior on my part. The Lamb of God already spilled His blood and defeated death for me. Do I really have the right to ask for more? Maybe not the right...but I do have the freedom, the permission, to ask. I'm even encouraged to ask because God wants to give me good things. But I'm not sure this temper tantrum asking is really what He's looking for. I'm pretty sure that's not right.

And that's just it. In the midst of my tantrums, I'm confronted with the fact that as a Christian I am meant to have a peace that passes understanding and a noticeable inexplicable joy. If Paul and Silas could sing in prison, can't I manage at least a smile in my far less dire circumstances? I catch myself focusing on what I don't have that I believe I need instead of dwelling on all that I already have. I'm carrying a miracle. All babies are miracles but my son is one of those should've-never-happened babies, the opposite of an 'oops baby'. I was broken...my body wasn't doing what it was designed to do. And yet here I am, my belly getting more huge every day (just ask my achin' back!). I have so much to be grateful for. I get thunderstruck just thinking about it sometimes.

And that's just it...this baby, this timing, this wasn't my plan. My plan was to get pregnant 3 years ago. My plan was to have a big enough house and car for a kid (or two) and $5,000 in savings before having a kid. My plan included Shiloh but not Bode. My plan didn't foresee Curtis getting laid off or my having to work full-time. And my plan most definitely didn't include whatever it is that lies ahead for us...because I have no idea what that is. My plan was a good plan. A methodical plan. A responsible plan. But it relied completely on me. And a little on Curtis. And just a smidge on God.

So when things changed...when I didn't get pregnant for two and a half years...when Curtis did get laid off...when we adopted Bode (and even I thought we were nuts and it was my idea)...when Shiloh died...my plan didn't account for those things. I guess that's why the 'it's all up to me' mentality doesn't really work for me. I might behave that way but the bottom line is...I don't really believe in it. I can't. Maybe it's because I don't want the responsibility when it all falls apart. But what I've really come to think is that if it's up to me, then I have no hope. I don't have any answers right now. And there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the things that worry me and keep me up at night. I am powerless. And this isn't about me being self-deprecating or buying into some outdated dogma. It's a fact. There is nothing I can do to force the situations in our lives to change. We've thrown every dart at the board and nothing has stuck.

But I can rest knowing that God has a plan, it's a good plan, and it's always been His plan. Because His plan took into account a struggle with infertility, the frustrations of job loss, and even Bode and Shiloh coming in and out of our lives. I might not be able to follow the story arc but that doesn't mean that there isn't one. And just because my plans haven't worked out doesn't mean that His plans aren't being worked out. He has power when I have none. He has wisdom when I'm all out of brain power. He has patience when I'm at my wits end. He doesn't get jumpy and abandon ship for the next good idea. He stays the course and brings me along with Him, even if I'm whining the whole time. (Believe me, I would've made a great Israelite...). And at the end of the day...sometimes literally...that's my best hope. There's still a plan.

Hmm. I've been looking at my life as being plan-less simply because I'm unable to work one out. And then I sit here and yap about God having a plan. There's a disconnect, don't you think? Okay, so it's not that my life is plan-less. It's just that it's void of my agenda at the moment. This may not be profound to anyone else but I just had a huge moment. And maybe that's why I bother writing any of this down...to sort out all my convoluted and contradictory thoughts. And I share it because maybe one of you is just like me...and if you are, I feel your pain!

Playlist of Promises

So my computer crashed a couple weeks ago and part of the collateral damage was my iTunes being wiped out. I managed to get almost all of it back on using my iPod but my playlists couldn't be recovered. I'm still mourning the loss. I had some good playlists. I love making playlists. Taking songs from different albums, artists, and genres and mixing them together for just the right feeling. Playlists for singing, for dancing, for dreaming, for writing, for cleaning (yup, I had a cleaning playlist), for quiet time, for celebrating. I had playlists I created for other people--my mom and my niece, specifically. And I had started one for my son. And they were all gone, wiped away as if they never existed. I'd like to take a moment of silence in remembrance of my beloved playlists.

*cricket, cricket*

Okay, now that the melodramatics are out of the way...

I created a new playlist last night. Not one for singing or dancing or cleaning. I went through all of my songs, which is several days worth of music, and selected about 2 hours worth of music for my son. There's plenty more I want to add. In fact, I realized I'll have to make several playlists just for him. A playlist for dreaming, a playlist for playing/singing, and a playlist for dancing. And a playlist of promises.

My music is varied, I have a wide range of taste and interests. I suppose not as wide as others. There is a definite void in the rap and R&B department, and very little country, and none of heavy metal/hard rock. My music is a little heavy in the musical theater and oldies departments, featuring a lot of American songbook, the Beatles, and the Rat Pack. I've got a strong selection of indy/acoustic/whatever genre you put Dave Matthews and Coldplay in (stoner music?? although, I have never in my life been stoned or even close to it). What this means for my son is that he'll be exposed to all kinds of music from a very young age. In fact, he's already heard quite a range. He even heard me hit my old friend the high C the other day whilst singing along with Michael Ball. Shiloh used to howl...but the baby didn't kick me so maybe he didn't mind.

Anyway...I've gotten off track. This happens when I talk about my music. It's one of my passions. Like my books. I just can't help but get all rambly and distracted. I'll try to stay focused.

Promises. Within all my days worth of music are a handful of songs that I've always imagined singing to my little one. Not lullabies (although there are plenty of those) but promises. Things I want them to know, things I intend them to feel, things I hope they believe in and trust. Kids need to have a foundation of promises from their parents, a place of stability and security to grow on. And these songs, I guess, give me a jumping off point, a place to start.

"Not While I'm Around", I assume, is from a musical. I don't know. I have it on an album by Michael Ball (the original Marius in LesMis and one of the most emotive, incredible tenors to ever exist). The song assures that 'no one's gonna harm you, not while I'm around' and that 'others may desert you, give a whistle, I'll be there'. No matter how scary the world may get, how many let-downs a child may face, they can know that I will always be there, they will never be alone, 'not while I'm around'.

"I Couldn't Love You More" is from Matt Hammit's (of Sanctus Real) solo album. The song explains that while I as a parent couldn't possibly love my son any more than I already do that Jesus does. Jesus loves him even more than me. It's one of those songs that gets me all weepy and emotional, and something I very much want my son to have confidence in throughout his entire life.

"Come What May", yes the same "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge. Except that I have a version by Alfie Boe (Jean ValJean in the 25th Anniversary LesMis, and another one of the most incredible tenors to ever exist...but a much more controlled style than Michael Ball). Admittedly, I never thought of this as a song for a baby until I was pregnant and heard it. I hadn't heard this song in years, at least five or six years, but it's on the first Alfie Boe cd that I bought. I was already about 4 months pregnant when I listened to this version and all I could think of is that it seemed to describe so well how I felt about my baby. 'Seasons may change, winter to spring'...'storm clouds may gather and storms may collide'...'but I love you, until my dying day, come what may'. My favorite line from the song is in the first verse: 'listen to my heart, can you hear it sing? Telling me to give you everything.' It reminds me of a quote I saw on Pinterest (addiction!) which reads 'Only you know how deep my love for you is because you're the only one who has heard my heartbeat from the inside.' I'm amazed when I consider all that my son is hearing as he's continue to develop inside of me, and knowing that he hears my heart beating is just incredible. So cool. 


There's a few other songs..."I'll Stand By You" (The Glee version, I have to admit...even though I don't watch it anymore)..."This Little Light Of Mine" by Addison Road..."All of Me" by Matt Hammit (which if you've read any of my other baby posts, you know that I love that song)..."Believe" by Josh Groban (our first wedding dance song, incidentally)..."When You Wish Upon A Star"..."In My Life" by the Beatles...These songs are all promises of how I feel and what I want for my son. I can't promise him a life without trouble, pain, fear or sadness. Those are all part of the human condition and things he will have to experience in order to really know happiness, security, love, friendship, and joy. But I can promise him my love, no matter what. I can promise him that God loves him, no matter what. These are hugely significant promises. 


So as I'm trying to piece back together the shattered fragments of my crashed iTunes these new playlists are emerging. It's easy to see how my priorities have changed. I'm sure I will eventually re-create a playlist just for car dancing...but only after I've taken the time to create these playlists for my son. Songs for us to sing and dance to together and songs for us to dream together, he with his eyes closed and me with my eyes opened. 

Roaring Like a Lion

My favorite part in 'The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe' movie is midway through the battle. Peter and Edmund are entrenched in a hopeless battle against Jadis, the White Witch. She has more soldiers on her side, she has the power to turn their soldiers into stone, and she's fearless. But they (and their "men") refuse to surrender. Peter knows that he could lose, that he probably should lose in terms of what seems most likely to happen, but he's going to continue to fight 'for Narnia and for Aslan!'. And then...just as the scales really tip in Jadis' favor, the music changes, and the point of view sweeps up the mountain to the top of the ridge. There stands Lucy, Susan, Mr.Tumnus, and of course, Aslan who announces his arrival with a mighty roar. (This is the part when I get chills and tears come to my eyes). Hope comes flooding down the mountain infusing Peter with new strength, and Jadis is drained of hers as she whispers "impossible", for she herself had killed him the night before. It is impossible, for everyone except the Son of the Emperor Across the Sea. For Him, nothing is impossible.

With God all things are possible.

--Matthew 19:26

The Newsboys have recently released a song entitled 'God's Not Dead (Like a Lion)'. For obvious reasons this song and this scene in that movie are related to me. Aslan was dead but defeated death and is now roaring to the rescue of the ones he loves and died for. Lewis didn't come up with this lion metaphor on his own; the Bible calls Jesus the Lion of Judah,  Judah being one the names for the Israelite people. In his life Jesus hardly came across as a lion. He was meek and mild when people wanted him to overthrow the Roman government. He took and endured abuse and slander with staggering humility. Those who believed in Him knew that He could put an end to it and was choosing not to; those who did not believe in Him mocked and challenged Him to come off the cross or call down angels. This does not seem lionish--any of it. But within Him he had the strength of the Lion, the strength of God, in fact. And that's what turned back death, defeating the deep magic, as Lewis puts it in his timeless stories.

"Oh, you're real, you're real! Oh, Aslan!" 

cried Lucy and both girls flung themselves upon him and covered him with kisses.

"But what does it all mean?" asked Susan 

when they were somewhat calmer.

"It means," said Aslan, "that though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know. Her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of Time. But if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and the darkness before Time dawned, she would have read there a different incantation. She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor's stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backwards."

Unlike in the Narnia stories, Jesus didn't come roaring back into the middle of a battle. He came quietly into a garden where a young woman had come to tend for His broken, lifeless body. But inwardly, I imagine, there was a battle inside Mary. A battle of unsettling doubt and confusion, of heart-breaking loss and emptiness. Like the Pevencey children, Jesus had saved Mary, had loved her and cared for her as He did all his dear friends. And without Him, the pain must have been unbearable, very much like a hopeless uphill battle. Within the tenderness of his speech, maybe there was a roar...a roar against the darkness surrounding Mary and the other disciples. A roar against all doubt, fear, worry, and regret. A roar that allowed doubting Thomas to believe, that reinstated Peter, and that finally turned John from a 'son of thunder' to an apostle of Love. A roar that allowed me, in the 21st century, to make a turning point and conquer my own demons. Now that's a mighty roar. 

My God's not deadHe's surely aliveHe's living on the insideRoaring like a lion

--God's Not Dead (Like a Lion), The Newsboys

My Addiction to Control

Trust in the LORD with all your heart 
   and lean not on your own understanding; 
in all your ways submit to him, 
   and he will make your paths straight

--Proverbs 3:5-6

Yesterday our pastor asked the Sunday school class what spiritual goals we have for 2012. One dear friend of mine talked about learning to surrender her sense of control to the Lord and this resonated with me. God and I have been going in circles with my control issues. I have an addiction to control, and like any other addiction, I can't grow until its dealt with. So God has been painstakingly, patiently, and lovingly helping me deal with it. I can't believe how far He's brought me during the course of this pregnancy. I was forced to truly realize and admit that I can't decide how many days my son will spend in my womb, how many days he will spend on this Earth, how much happiness he will have. I had to let go of my ideas and plans for his nursery, our finances, our jobs, our future. I nearly had a panic attack as God asked me to let go of what I believed I could hold on to. Yes, I understand control issues.

And that's when I realized my goal for 2012 and at the same time my prayer word for this year, sort of. I can't come up with just one word. Surrender is part of it, but its surrendering with the idea of being emptied out. My goal for 2012 is to not have goals, plans, or expectations. That does not mean to stumble about haphazardly like a feather being blown by the wind. This is foolishness. Proverbs 3 instructs the wise to have sound plans and use good judgment. But the danger in planning for control freaks like me is that we plan too much and set our hearts upon our plans. I trust on my own wisdom, I put too much stock in my plans coming to fruition, I can't be flexible, I get tunnel vision. It's my way or no way. 

The fact is that entering into motherhood is going to require me to think, feel, and behave in ways I never have before. I will pray in ways I never have before. I will dream and plan and hope in ways I never have before. All of this is beautiful...if I submit it all to the Lord. If I take my every dream, plan, hope, and idea to Him for approval. If I don't jump days, weeks, months ahead in my life. If I take each day as He gives it to me. Which is after all how Jesus tells us to live. 

So don’t worry about tomorrow, 
for tomorrow will bring its own worries. 

Today’s trouble is enough for today.--Matthew 6:34

I already have people asking me, telling me, what my next ministry goals should be, what projects I should undertake. I find myself plotting and planning, but the Spirit isn't guiding me. I feel no divine encouragement, no heavenly spark of inspiration. This is not because I am far from God; this is because God has not yet revealed to me the ministry He wants me to undertake. I'm a people pleaser so I can be talked into most anything...but this is how you get so busy you miss your true calling. 

I realized that I can have a 'ministry' even while stepping back from other commitments. My grandmother has a ministry and she's a shut-in. She prays with devotion, she calls people to encourage them, she sends out greeting cards to let people know she cares. This is a ministry even if its not something you can sign up to join or read about in the bulletin. This is a ministry that Jesus sees and loves, because its the kind of work He did. I can do this kind of ministry anytime...pregnant, with a newborn, and beyond. If God intends for me to start or join a 'joinable' ministry, He'll let me know. He'll make it so clear that I won't have a choice. It won't be this crickety silence from above that I'm getting right now. 

But the even more important part of this surrendering/emptying out goal of 2012 is accepting that I can't make plans for my family/life. I can't make plans for my son because I don't have any idea what he'll be like. I can't say what I'll do this spring or summer because I have no way of knowing how labor and delivery will go (smoothly, I hope). I can't promise to visit relatives or go on little getaways or anything else. I can make no promises to anyone except to God. I can promise Him that I will rest when He says rest, move when He says move, and in all ways, submit my plans to Him.

You can make many plans,

But the Lord's purpose will prevail.

--Proverbs 19:21

This will be hard for me. Harder than my word for last year (commit). I don't like to give up my ways and the idea of being emptied out can be scary. I like to believe I'm in charge, sometimes I think I need to believe it. But I will never truly trust God if I'm secretly telling myself that I'm in control. I will never really feel secure if I'm relying on my own wisdom and plans. I have to let go, be emptied out, and surrender to really know God the way He wants me to and to live the life He has planned for me. 

People won't understand. It will look like spiritual laziness at times. That's okay. It's not about them. This is about listening for God and God alone to direct my plans. This is about waiting for God and God alone to provide when things look desperate. This is about acknowledging that God and God alone is truly in control of my life, my husband's life, our child's life, and the lives of everyone we love. It's not about me or anyone else. God and God alone. 

Commit (surrender, submit, abandon, let go, and empty out)

 everything you do to the LORD. 

Trust him, and he will help you.

--Psalm 37:5

Incidentally, God has brought to mind several songs which will encourage me through this journey. He knows how much music encourages me, He designed me that way. FFH's 'Come Undone', Sanctus Real's 'Whatever You're Doing' (which I've written about before) and the hymn 'I Surrender All' speak to the very nature of this journey. The difficulty in letting go, in coming undone, in trying to accept what you can't understand or see, in giving everything over to God. I know God will bring more songs to encourage me as 2012 unfolds because He is good and faithful and loving. That one thing I can hold onto as He empties me out of all my preconceived notions, expectations, and plans. 

The LORD will work out his plans for my life— 
      for your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. 
      Don’t abandon me, for you made me.

--Psalm 138:8